I don't have the energy for fake conversation so step inside a shopping bag and meet me in the men's bathroom.

One Hump or Two?
You've never heard of that one? 

Surely its not just me!!  They say when you fancy a bit of public shagging, don't do it at a store in the dressing rooms.  Boring! 

Go to the men's bathroom - blokes generally don't use the stalls that often.  They drain the one-eyed snake at the urinals and get the fuck outta there.  So...you're less likely to get caught if you use the men's bathroom.  One step better....one of you steps inside a shopping bag so if someone suspects any humpy pumpy going on and they peek underneath the stall, all they see is one set of feet and a shopping bag.

Genius or wot??

Another public shagging tip (seeing as we're on the subjecct) if you want to become a member of the Mile High Club, book yerself on a night flight when people will be sleeping, book the back seats in the back row.  The toilets are far too cramped and so unsanitary.  You don't wanna get your membership the old-fashioned way...and I'm not talking about your private pilot's license.


If you wanna get busy in a car, do it at the top of a multi-level parking garage.  Generally its quiet and there aren't any other cars in sight so its less likey that you'll get a knock on your steamed-up window from the Boys in Blue.


Any Golfers out there?  This is the perfect place for a bit of public lovin'.  Choose a public golf course (usually the country clubs are a bit sticky on finding trespassers and non-members on their land).  Not only is the grass soft and well-manicured, but the risk of getting biten by ticks or accidentally getting a stick lodged in yer bum or even the risk of poison ivy (like in the deep of the woods) is minimal.  No one wants ticks suckin'on their testicals.

Ever been caught by your offspring?  Its no laughing matter when you're grunting and sweating like a pig and your 5 year old silently comes into the room and you don't even notice they are there until you hear the tiny little voice piping up "Faster, Mummy, Faster!".  Instant limp noodle, I reckon, but it is still a wee bit funny.

Any other suggestions?